“Children offsets” to become mandatory February 10, 2009Posted by honestclimate in humour.
Tags: carbon footprint, carbon offsets, child offsets, children offsets, climate change, funny, global warming, humor, humour, joke
“Children offsets” to become mandatory
By the blogowner honestclimate, February 10, 2009
As you are all aware, having more than 2 children causes global warming and a huge amount of stress on our natural environment. For those with more than 2 children, the below applies for each additional child.
Child offsets cost a one-off $1million* and cover the below basket of offsets for the lifetime of your additional children.**
Cola offsets: To offset the dangerous carbon dioxide injected into soft drinks
Beer/Wine offsets: Money will be used to plant barley and grapes.
Electronics offsets: This covers computers, tvs, playstations, cell phones, iPods etc.
Automobile offsets: Please note a 20% surcharge for additional male offspring as they are known to buy faster cars which exit more carbon.
F.A.R.T offsets: Belching is also covered under this offset. Please note a 20% surcharge for additional male offspring as they are known to emit more gas.
Hairdryer offsets: This applies to additional female offspring only.
McDonalds offsets: This is to offset bovine belching and gas.
Turbine offsets: Windmills have a propensity to catch fire, the carbon emitting fumes need to be offset.
Cigarette offsets: We endorse cigarette smoking. It’s a very important revenue raiser with which we can purchase more windmills. We still need to purchase 100 million windmills after we destroyed all coal plants through vandalism. The other really great thing about smoking is that it causes early death which means fewer people on earth emitting dangerous carbon dioxide.
Sports offsets: When exercising the human body emits more dangerous carbon dioxide. This must be offset.
Special cuddles offset: See sport offsets. Also we do not encourage this activity as it can lead to unnecessary births and is the reason for child offsets in the first place.
Denier offsets: Money will be used to finance attacks on any of your little critters who grow up denying that man is responsible for every climate catastrophe in the world.
-Based on life expectancy of 80 years
-If you outlive your child, you will be entitled to 50% refund.
-If payment in full is not possible, we will arrange a payment plan.
**The following are exempt from child offsets and are free to have as many children as they wish: